DrewBreezrecently, lifehacker reported on the jobs with the best career outlook over the long-term. among them: bio-engineers, elementary school teachers…and, to the delight of every working girl, strippers. here’s a short list of the rappers who will be sponsoring the next generation’s best and brightest. merry christmas everyone!
8. rick ross
what can i say about rick ross’s heft that hasn’t already been said.
well, for one, it probably does require a professional to plumb the layers of skin between his d*ck and his belly. only the most dedicated lap-climber could mount that man and attempt to “dance.” frankly, those women are doing thousands of other women a service by accepting that L and paying their car notes through it.
in the video below, two such good samaritans are clarifying (ahem) that, no, rozay did not spend $1M of his hard-earned money at King of Diamonds in miami. they then go on to cackle, saying that if he did spend the M there, they’d be nowhere near that place after.
pardon us for believing that rick ross spending a million at a nude strip bar is the only reason you’d have to stop working there*. carry on, ladies. you’ve served a noble cause this long.
7. joe budden
not sure what’s funnier here: the fact that MediaTakeout believes that it’s EXCLUSIVE WORLDWIDE BREAKING NEWS that joey has a (third) exotic dancer girlfriend.
OR that they describe what she’s doing on the next season of Love And Hip Hop New York as “starring.” i can just imagine her running lines now, and practicing her weave-pull-attack for the reunion show. #priceless
the good news is that joe’s certainly found a niche for his drama beyond Twitter laments and public break-ups. he’s a b-grade soap opera star on a genuinely entertaining sh*t-show. clap for ‘im.
6. 2chainz
a walking paradox, this man. he releases a song declaring he’s “different” on an album about the same three topics every popular rap artist has explored for the last decade: strippers, jewelry and money.
but when he said, “2chainz/but you know I got a FEW ON!” i knew there was more than meets the eye. simply put, he’s doing what works.
for a while, when he was known only as “tity boi“, he had to make his living collecting sticky stacks of singles scraped from the sullen stages of every strip bar from savannah to selma. i don’t care how confident you are, that’s gotta wear on your swag just a little.
but chainz wasn’t deterred. he bucked up, changed his name, and re-emerged anew…same basic shtick but without a female body part in his rap name. (i do hope that it happens someday in the future, and we’ll have the pleasure of listening to a Young Labez or Big C.L.I.T. but that’s another dream for another day.)
5. lil wayne
what’s your REAL name? …not your stripper name
no, for real, i need your name to file my taxes. all dis deductible baby. go’head and sign right there where dem dots is at. *weezy-laugh* *weezycroak*…lighter flicker
4. tyga
oh he of the stripper wife. tyga decided to do his YMCMB
yea, her. he’s on the hook for that one’s child for 18 years. 18 years. let’s just hope that eighteenth birthday turns out better than the one in yeezy’s song.
because with baby and slim doing the accounting, who knows what young leopard’s money situation will be like in TWO years. he might be wishing he spent a lil less time in rack city, and more time…at sam’s club.
3. drake
so you know your one simple-*ss homey who kicks that saaaaame tired game to all the dancers in the club?
look baby, no lie. let’s take these stacks and get outta here.
you deserve more than this life can give you. than he can give you.
i’ll put you and your mama on a plane. what you runnin’ from, girl? i can see your soul through them thongs. those 6-inch heels just glass slippers to me.
it only takes one of these dudes to have a twerk-crobat fully employed, eating and downright ambitious for a year. aubrey is determined to be that dude. for life.
2. ying yang twins
this song is called “miley cyrus.” it’s a twerk anthem that the ying yang twins made when they realized that a former disney star might be cashing in on a trend they coined. never ones to hate, they hopped back on the bandwagon that (again) they started, and probably funded another three to four months at Magic City. VIP style of course.
1. juicy j
you know what juicy j can’t say no to, don’t you? won’t get into all the messy details here but he’s decided to take what might’ve been a weakness and turn it into a strength. like a real grown man would.
hence, the Juicy J Twerk Scholarship (Twerker-ship?), which will grant $50,000 to the young lady with the best gyration skills
good for him, though, supporting the arts. bandz-a make her dance…and in four years bandz-a help her graduate without student loan debt too.
-drewbreez
oh wow, trick on me